


Whatever You Want

by SugarCrystal



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Humor, Multi, Shapeshifting monsters, Tentacle Monsters, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:48:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26422888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarCrystal/pseuds/SugarCrystal
Summary: Nano-Rimmer meets his first GELF.
Relationships: Arnold Rimmer/Original Female Character(s), Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 7
Kudos: 26





	Whatever You Want

**Author's Note:**

> As _The Boyfriend You've Always Wanted_ seems to be so popular, I decided to try and write a similar version with Rimmer and Lister reversed, but I didn't want it to be exactly the same so it's some sort of pleasure GELF rather than a psiren. And, seeing as holograms are no use for reproducing with, it had to be Nano-Rimmer. 
> 
> However, I'm worried it reads as a bit dub-con in places so I'm going to warn as, "Maybe don't read if you don't like Series 8" and let people decide from there.

Rimmer wandered the corridors with bazookoid in hand and wondered, not for the first time, how his life had come to this. One moment, he'd been a hard-working vending machine repairman, working his way up the ziggurat to officerhood, and the next - thanks to Lister - he was locked up in prison, and conscripted into the Canaries. And now here he was, exploring a derelict ship on some Godforsaken swampy mess of a planet.  
The ship was obviously abandoned and no life signs had been detected when the scout patrol had first spotted it. But, as they got closer, a few stirrings had been picked up, suggesting the ship had released something from suspended animation on detecting the approach of _Starbug_. The life signs didn't register as human, so naturally the Canaries had been sent in to check it out.

"Let's spilt up," Lister had suggested. "Kris, go with Cat and Kryten. Rimsy, you're with me." 'Split up', as if that didn't lead to trouble in every horror film ever made in which 'Split up' was suggested. "I didn't say split up individually, I said split up into teams," he'd clarified when Rimmer had objected. "Anyway, we've got bazookoids, haven't we?"

That was as may be, but Rimmer had somehow managed to lose him and was now wandering this smegging place on his own.

He turned the next corner with a slight leap, pointing his bazookoid down in the corridor in a very 'action hero' move, at least in his mind. He was relieved to see the corridor was empty. It was lined with a few doors, none of them numbered or labeled in any way, and one of them was open. Although perhaps 'open' wasn't really the word, 'missing' might be more appropriate as it was an empty door frame. From the look of the room inside, it had been an officer's living quarters, maybe even the captain's.  
Rimmer entered and gingerly examined the place, opening a few drawers and cupboards, half-expecting to find something horrible, but drew a blank. He turned his attention to the bunk and checked under the pillow, then under the mattress. Nothing.  
He should go and try the other doors in the corridor, see if he could get any of them open. But he found himself looking consideringly at the bunk, it looked reasonably clean and rather comfortable and he could do with a bit of a rest. He dumped the bazookoid on the table and removed his bulky canaries jacket and hung it on a handy hook, then lay down on the mattress and stretched himself out. Just take a break for a couple of minutes and then get on with examining the place. He stared absently up at the white glossy ceiling, wondering where Lister or the others had got to.

His attention was caught by a strange sound coming from the open doorframe. He turned his head towards it and froze in complete horror.  
This must be one of the life forms that had been detected, it wasn't what he'd been expecting. He wasn't really sure what he had been expecting, but this wasn't it. It looked more like some kind of deep sea creature than anything that belonged on land. Rimmer's first thought was that it was an alien. Lister had been adamant that there weren't any and that all life came from Earth, but how could Lister really know that? He hadn't explored _every_ planet, after all. On the other hand, there were things out there that Lister knew did exist. He'd told Rimmer about some of the encounters he'd had over the years, mostly GELFs originally created by humans whose descendants had mutated and evolved into monsters over three million years. This thing could just as easily be one of those, maybe scientists had been trying to introduce life to this planet and this thing was the end result.  
The thing began undulating across the floor and Rimmer remained frozen to the spot, trying not to move or make a sound. Hopefully, whatever it was, it hadn't seen him and if he didn't draw attention to himself, it would just leave again. But, to his absolute horror, the thing made a bee-line for his bunk, Rimmer immediately sat up and frantically cast about for an escape route, or failing that, a very large and sturdy weapon, as he'd left the smegging bazookoid out of reach, but the creature pushed him back down again and slithered astride him. It reached down with one hand(?) and gently caressed his cheek. He let out a muffled sound of terror.  
What on Io did it want? Was the damn thing going to try and eat his brains, or suck him into a dry husk? Or maybe it just wanted to outright kill him, perhaps strangle him to death with its tentacles, and then tear his face off to wear as a mask for fooling the others. 

"Well, hello, handsome," the creature purred in a surprisingly sultry voice. "Welcome aboard."

"What do you want?" Rimmer demanded, he tried to make his voice aggressive but it came out in a high-pitched squeak. 

"You." Another limb began snaking downwards towards his groin.

Well, okay, that was better than being killed or eaten but not by a very large margin. "Look here!" he yelped.

"Shhhhh," the creature whispered soothingly. "I'm not going to harm you."

"You can't just get into bed with me and start groping me! What on Io are you anyway?" 

Maybe it wasn't a GELF or an alien, maybe it was a what-did-you-call-it?, a sex demon from ancient mythology. An incubus or succubus or whatever they were called. Or maybe he'd drifted off in the bunk without realising it and this was just a really weird erotic dream. Whatever it was, the creature was busying itself with removing his trousers.

"I need a man like you," the creature purred. "I need your seed."

"Oh, I get it," Rimmer concluded. "Most of your race is infertile so the rest of you are trying to mate with anything that moves and hope you hit the sperm jackpot?" He'd seen the same basic scenario before in adult sci-fi movies, not very good ones. Complete with the same sort of cheesy dialogue.

"That's right," the creature confirmed. "And we've waited so long for someone to come and find us."

"Well, now hang on, what makes you think I _want_ to mate with you?" Rimmer demanded. 

"You released us from stasis."

"That wasn't actually me! That was some of my shipmates, and they didn't do it on purpose!"

"It doesn't matter who did it. _You're_ what I need; a young, strong, healthy, fertile male." It started peeling off his t-shirt.

"There's no point trying to butter me up, young lady." He assumed it was female. "You're not exactly my type, I generally prefer something a bit less..., tentacley."

"But I don't have to look like this," the creature said softly as it ran several of its appendages over his bare chest. "I can take any form you wish, anything that would please you. Let me see, what _is_ your type?"

It gently rested a limb on each side of his head and Rimmer realised to his shock that it was reading his mind. "Now hang on a second," he protested. "You can't just...,"

The creature shimmered and took the form of Yvonne McGruder in her uniform with her shirt half-unbuttoned showing off black lacy lingerie beneath. 

Rimmer made an undignified squawking sound.

The creature shimmered again and became Janine, wearing the same slinky evening dress she'd been wearing when Frank had first introduced her.

"Oh smeg," Rimmer whispered.

The creature shimmered and became one of Uncle Frank's twin daughters, he wasn't sure if it was Alice or Sarah, but it didn't matter as it shimmered again and became a girl he'd known at cadet school and vaguely toyed with the idea of asking out, shimmered and became the big-breasted blonde from a dirty magazine that was currently doing the rounds at the Tank, shimmered and became Kochanski wearing a bath towel.

"Slow down, you're making me dizzy!" Rimmer complained.

"Anything you want, Arnold," said Kochanski. The creature even had her voice. " _Whatever_ you want. It's all the same to me. Tell me, what shape pleases you most?" It shimmered again and turned into Lister in a pair of black satin boxer shorts.

"Oh no! No, no, no, no, you're barking up the wrong tree there!" Rimmer blurted out quickly.

"Really?" the creature murmured in Lister's voice. "Then why am I detecting arousal?" Lister's hands began to lightly dance across his chest and Rimmer shivered.

"I..., have no idea," he choked out.

"I _can_ mate with you in this shape," said Lister's voice. "It doesn't make any difference, it's just an illusion. Is this the body you most want to spill your seed inside of?"

That was a question that came loaded with a lot of baggage. Rimmer swallowed hard.

The creature leant over him, the end of Lister's dreadlocks tickling Rimmer's bare skin. "Do you want me to take this form for our mating, Arnold?" it purred seductively in Lister's voice.

Rimmer felt conflicted. On the one hand, he still wasn't sure he really wanted to stick his penis in a tentacle monster whatever illusion it was currently projecting. On the other hand, he couldn't really deny that he did want to stick it in Lister. Well, he _could_ , he'd been denying that for a long time; mostly because of his Ionian upbringing, but also because he knew he would never get the chance, so why dwell on it? Something that looked like Lister and was outright offering itself was the closest he could ever hope for, and it wasn't as though the real Lister, or anybody else, would ever know. What's more, he realised, if the creature was female, then it wasn't even technically gay, was it?

Rimmer gazed up at Lister's soft round face, deep brown eyes and cheeky smile, it was a perfect recreation. "You sound wrong," he found himself saying. "He doesn't call me Arnold."

The creature concentrated for a second, dredging up the answer. "Okay, Smeghead."

"I was thinking 'Rimmer'," Rimmer scowled. 

"Rimmer," the Lister-shape moaned seductively as it slid its hands across his bare chest. "I want you, Rimmer." 

Rimmer reached up and gently clasped Lister's face in one hand. "Say that again," he breathed.

"I want you, Rimmer. I want you inside me," said Lister's voice.

"Listy," Rimmer sighed, caressing his face. "God, I've wanted to hear you say that to me for so long."

Lister slipped a hand between their bodies and gently cupped Rimmer through his underwear. "Come on, Rimmer, get it up for me." Rimmer swallowed again as he felt his cock beginning to stir. "That's right," Lister encouraged, fondling him. "Get hard, Rimmer. I want you in me so badly."

Rimmer dropped his hands to Lister's waist and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of Lister's boxers, slowly working them off. 

Someone loudly cleared his throat from the doorway. "Not interrupting anything, am I?" asked Lister pointedly.

"Oh smeg!" Rimmer squawked. "Listy! Erm..., It's not what it looks like!"

"Really?" said Lister disbelievingly. "Because it looks a lot like you were about to have sex with something that's shaped like me."

The creature reformed itself into its original shape and slipped off of Rimmer, undulating it's way over to Lister. It reached out and grasped his head between two tentacles, reading his mind, and then shimmered and became Kochanski in a red dress. "Hello, Dave," it smiled. 

"Jog on!" snarled Lister before it could get any further. He irritably elbowed it aside and stomped over to the bunk, picked Rimmer's trousers up off the floor and threw them at him. "Get your clothes back on, Smeghead."

Rimmer hurriedly redressed and retrieved his jacket, carefully avoiding looking anywhere in Lister's direction, before sheepishly following him back out into the corridor. Well, this was going to make things awkward...,

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Whatever You Get](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27710809) by [felineranger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger)




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